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I've recently just got home from having a few days to myself in London.

If you have ever moved away from home for a lengthy period of time, you will know what I'm talking about when I say that the fear of coming back/home to a country I know so well, was overwhelming to say the least.

Within about 3 days of moving back to the UK, I was on a flight back out but only this time it was for a 1 week holiday in Croatia for my birthday.

You always hear about how amazing travelling is, how beautiful the countries are, how many lifelong friends you will make and what experiences you can get into but what about coming home?

The fear is truly a real thing and prior to moving away, I used to associate it with a hangover that resulted from a drunken night before, in which I couldn't remember but it is so much more than that. Since moving back to Belfast in October 2018, I have panicked a couple of times about being back in my hometown, in fear of being stuck in routine and needing to find life inspiration, I've booked trips to get away alone and re-centre myself.

If you know me well enough, you will know that nothing in this life scares me in a human sense, not even death scares me but I am truly petrified of routine. I hate feeling like I'm living to work or working to live. I hate going to the same clubs to see the same strangers. I hate driving around the same streets doing the same thing. Routine is scary.

When I feel that routine is setting back in, I will usually go away for a few days to explore and feed my wanderlust soul which is persistent.

After Croatia, I went through a tough break up and I decided the best thing for me was throwing myself into a full time, day and night, work week, to keep me busy and distracted. After a while of pushing myself to what was a mentally bleak point, I continued to live in a 3 bedroom house by myself for almost 4 months in total. I hit my first ever mental block and couldn't continue in the routine I was in and decided to quit my job, enjoy the money I made and spend Christmas with my family. This is the best thing I've done for myself.

Shortly after Christmas, I booked a trip to head back to Malaga for a few days on the 14th January and within 2 days of booking my flights, I stepped off the plane back in beautiful Malaga.

This trip was purely based on coming to terms with who I am, my wants, needs and passions and to also rebuild and re-centre myself after what was a tough time in my life. I find that I get so caught up in whats going on round me, that I have to physically put time aside to bring attention back to myself. How I am.

After Malaga I came home refreshed and ready to put all my mental goals into place. Don't get me wrong, I still had days that tested me and up until February I used to get upset quite often about being back in Belfast and not being in Australia, where I wanted to be so desperately. I knew the only way I would achieve the goals I wanted, was to wake up and see them every morning. So I went that day and bought a cork board and attached the goals in which I wanted to have hit by April. After only a month and a half, I had achieved what I wanted. I actually did it. I worked 2 jobs and saved the money I needed on the 18th April, but something is missing.

With doubt in my mind, I booked a trip to London to get a chance to go into my own thoughts again, without distraction, and answer the question "Do I really want to go back to a country I've already explored and had the chance to work and live in?"

As I typed that question, I sat back and re-read it, actually typed out, staring me in the face.

I think the biggest thing that confirmed my answer to this question was achieving a goal and feeling a sense of something missing. When you pass your driving test, it's a massive achievement, it's celebrated and your happy and smiling. My achievement was more like "oh, I've done it, go me!"

Something I have took away from the past year and a half of my crazy life is that I never live in the future. I ended those thoughts at the end of 2017 and promised myself I would not start a new year with the same mentality, as I could feel a constant pressure on myself, from myself.

I have lived for the here and now since then.

What I have in my life now is a choice and the best advantage is having a choice.

Who knows where I will settle for a while or live, or what cafe I could be eating breakfast in next week or what narrow side street I will be walking down with the sun on my skin. All these things are made more worthwhile when you have someone to experience them with and I'm ready to let the present happen.Whatever it may be.