The world works in mysterious ways

Monday 28th October.

This year has truly went so fast, sometimes it scares me when I check the date and see how close we are to the end of another year and just how much can happen within it. These past few months have been super challenging and it's hard to deny I've struggled with mental battles, looking for internal answers to questions. I've had to really take time out and give myself me days, which meant cutting my hours in work to catch up on myself. See, since the start of October I'm feeling really different, like something isn't settling with me. Anyone who knows me, knows I have itchy feet, I'm impulsive and act in the moment but recently I've found it hard to find that piece of myself. Someone once told me to enjoy everything i can because when I turn 21, "you blink and your another year on". I never believed it at the time but sitting in Berlin on my 25th birthday, just over 2 weeks ago, I knew exactly what this person meant. I couldn't believe that a whole year previous I was waking up in Croatia on my 24th Birthday, surrounded by different people and in much different circumstances. I do believe though, that as you experience each day, you learn to be a little gentler, kinder and to treat everything like it's precious. I used to be stuck to the security of my comfortable little life, never going outside my boundaries or fears, until I moved half way across the world, alone. I was telling a friend tonight that I got offered a room within a house-share here in Belfast and have been dying to move back out of home for a while. If you've ever moved out of home and experienced what it's like having your own space, you'll know what I mean, but I've really been toying with the thought of giving up the security of my family home life, to go back out and live alone, which is REALLY not like me.

My life is so much different now than what it was last year and next year, it will only be better but right now I'm struggling with this side of me because I've took a step back, instead of forward. This is something I don't see negatively though because I know now that this is my mind and body aligning and communicating with one another about what is best for me. I have been really picking up on things happening around me lately, whether they have happened previously and I haven't consciously picked up on them but I am now. I am extremely superstitious, I always have been from as far back as i can remember. Between never saying "Candy Man" 3 times in the mirror, to wearing a ST.Christopher around my neck, the entire time I spend away from home, for travelling protection. The list of my superstitious ways could go on but i'll hold them there! It's really strange when you feel that your internally lost. Lost is the best description because your not sad, depressed or anxious, but rather that your trying to figure out what X is constantly, like an algebra question. So I've been looking for signs in everything, reading anything I can to try and understand what this could be. I've made really big changes this past month, cutting back on my unnecessary spending to save for any future "in the moment" moments, getting back to reading and writing more, making new friendships and cutting off a long term one, which I feel has got me wrapped up in the process and made me detour mentally. Before I write a blog post, I would usually ask on my Instagram what people want to read about and 1 of my responses today was, "the future." See I'm really not one to think about the future, I don't even think about tomorrow or plan a day ahead so I really cannot write about the future because it's so uncertain and everything changes day by day but what I will say is a little while ago, I locked eyes with someone whilst I was in a really good place in my life and today I'm sitting talking about how I'm lost because I know connections like that still exist between people. This is the sign I had asked for.

After I came out of a relationship a few months ago, I needed to know that connections can still be felt between 2 strangers who know nothing about each other, something I've only experienced once previously but I needed to know if it would ever happen again, and it did. When I least expected it. It's something I've thought about everyday for over a month now. I've been open and forward and expressed how I felt and was shocked to hear that they too, felt it, but like I said, each day changes and from today I know that I won't see that person again.

That moment in time, was the thing I had asked the universe for, maybe for this reason because it has pushed me back out of my comfort zone and back into the world of the unknown. Back into the world of trying to find who I am all over again.