The subtle art of not giving a f*ck

Let me set the scene. It's exactly 8pm on Tuesday 4th June 2019. I'm sitting on top of my bed with my window open, listening and watching the rain beat down into my back garden.

There's no place I would rather be than right here.

The question I get asked most since moving home to Belfast is, "How are you finding being back?". Currently, I'm finding it really great, but, I moved home from Australia in October 2018 and up until this point it's been tough. I'm the kind of person who would always stay positive in a bad situation, always thinking that things will just work themselves out and be okay and having reality slap me in the face at the age of 24, was scary to say the least. I had my own house when I moved home, my own space to breathe, build and roam freely. A massive achievement to have your own home AND moving into it the day you hop off a 37 hour flight. After deciding in December to quit my job and enjoy my Christmas, I felt a massive part of me was soul searching. I was constantly reading, walking, spending time with friends and going to therapy appointments. I was doing good things for myself but deep down there was something missing. I jumped a plane to Malaga in January in the hopes of having space away from Belfast, my belongings, my home, my family and friends, to figure out what I truly needed and what this missing piece was. I brought a tiny backpack and 1 book, ready for my 4 day trip to Malaga. The book I brought and read front to back on my flight there was called "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck". If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend you do. The minute I was on my bus on the way into the city, I didn't feel the way I usually would when travelling, especially to a city I've been to before and have so much love for. I put it down to tiredness. I arrived to my hostel, checked in and left my bag on my bed and decided to go and grab some tapas and a beer to cheers my trip. I got back to the hostel around 11.30pm but was still feeling really out of place. I knew something wasn't right and that I was on this trip for the wrong reasons, which was a first for me! If you truly know me, you will know my heart and passion are in boarding flights and seeing what a country or city can offer me, but what I was missing flew over me like a wave. Company. After my relationship breaking down and moving home in the process, I realised I was distracting myself, instead of stopping and breathing and letting the emotions rise to the surface and processing them. I knew that night, sitting on my hostel bed that I needed to go home and be around the environment and people I knew.

So after 3 hours of arriving in Malaga, I booked a flight back to Belfast for a day later. I was there for 2 nights instead of 4 and spent my time shopping, going to markets, sitting in the sun, drinking coffee with strangers and eating tapas. I enjoyed those short but sweet 2 days. The best way I can describe moving home is like trying to fit in. The life I knew for nearly 6 years, the moving away, basking in the sun, wearing shorts everyday, laying on the beach, sight seeing, exploring, it was all gone and this was my reality. I was completely out of my comfort zone. Trying to get back into working life in my hometown, to reconnect with friends, living in my own home and to rebuilding a whole new life again. I had countless nights of feeling like wanting to leave and breaking down feeling like I could never settle back into the city I grew up in. I pushed and pushed myself in hope of getting the break I needed and wanted so badly. A break of achievement. It may have took longer than expected but I have finally landed that break. After becoming really self-aware of myself, I made the decision to give up my house and move back in with my family. I wanted people around me. I landed myself an amazing job, bought a car, learnt that my social circle is stronger than ever, took the time to listen to what I wanted and needed and most importantly, learnt to enjoy and live in the moment. So up until this moment, it's been a building block process. I've dealt with the highs and lows and during it, have tried to teach myself to be self-aware and listen to my mind and body, trying not to push or strive for the best and not feeling like I need to run away or distract myself from what needs to be dealt with internally and externally. "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck" truly changed my mindset and outlook on life. I couldn't put it down once I started it and I feel it was the biggest part to play in my realisation of listening to myself more mindfully. Something which took me a little longer to realise was that, the only time that matters, is now.